low expectations, or no expectations

which would u prefer from a man? both are quite disappointing, but it seems to be what i'm facing right now. prince said that he's been thinking a lot about us, our relationship, what's best for us, and i've finally gotten him to consider me and my feelings. he's finally starting to realize how his actions have affected me, and he said he doesn't want me to hate him 3 months from now. because then our relationship really wont go anywhere. i just feel like he realizes that i'm a good catch, but i'd be doing him a BIG favor if i just sat dusty on the shelf until he was ready in his life to come find me and dust me off. that's not going to happen. he still claims that my talking to JJ doesn't bother him but he brought it up soooo many times that i still think otherwise.

i'm just tired. for the last six years i haven't been with anyone consistently. a month or two here, a couple weeks there and i'm sick of it. i want a boyfriend, and prince should be it, but i wouldn't even set myself up for that drama. i want to just wash my hands of it all, because my life would be so much easier if i could put him behind me. he asked me if he's ever made me cry, and he has 3 times. but i only told him of one time when we had a really late convo that didn't end well and i decided for the umpteenth time that i was done. truth be told, he made me cry last night when he made up some bs excuse about not being able to call me. i want it to be done, but i also want it to work. sigh...

fixing me...

Wow, almost a month later and i'm finally posting again. i need to fix a couple things in my life, like one, stop being ashamed of my God. whenever i'm at church and i see a young couple sitting next to each other, i get so jealous because i want to be able to come to church with the guy in my life. but i never talk about God when i'm with the guys that i talk to. church i such a big part of my life and the last two guys i've talked to don't seem to be that interested in getting to know me. i want someone to ask me questions and genuinely try to find as much as they can about my life, my likes and dislikes, what makes me the happiest and what makes me cry. there has to be someone out there like that, who i don't consider to be just a friend.

this new guy i'm talking to is cool, but i'm losing interest. i don't believe in horoscopes, but i am sooo a gemini. nobody can keep my attention for longer than a couple months, but when they do it hasn't ended up well. i'll start to lose interest, and then he'll do something to bring my attention back to him, but after all that i usually fall hard and then the guy pulls back...sigh. i'll figure this whole dating thing out one of these days...all i have to say for now. ciao bellas!

my reality...

it's been a few weeks since i last blogged, but my life picks right back up with Dimples...such a complete waste of time and thought. i haven't heard from him since that stupid text that i talked about in my last post. then, at 3:45am on Saturday morning, he randomly called me and asked me to come pick him up so we could hang out. he called 3 times and i ignored the first 2 times, and i should've ignored the third time too but i just wanted to get back to sleep and he kept calling back to back. i told him i was not going to come get him but we could hang out later that day. i shouldn't have done that because it just opened up the forgotten emotions that i had for him, but today they are buried, and i hope i can honestly say forever. he is not who i thought he was, and not who i want to be with. i was honest with him about my feelings for him and that gave him way too much power. so now i'm reclaiming that power and not speaking to him for a very long time, until i am forced to or am ready to. he's just not worth it.
once again i find myself alone A LOT and its driving me crazy. Prince is so inconsistent it's ridiculous and JJ, a new guy i met during homecoming, is always off doing his own thing. i just want companionship. i feel like i have no friends in the area that i am close to. i stay at work 4 extra hours a day to avoid coming home and sitting in silence. i'm almost always on the verge of tears when i thnk about how lonely i am. it makes me sad because i know how outgoing i can be when i'm with my friends, and how much fun i have when they're around. i'm just not myself and i can't figure out how to fix it. i get up and go to work, which is really the only time i interact with people. i come home alone, i eat alone, i go to church alone, my nights and weekends are basically spent alone. it makes me want to cry...really.

I should've been an architecture major bc I'm building sooo many bridges lately. Last week I was over Prince and now he's back. Today its Dimples because now he's back, and for no apparent reason. I've just decided he must not be worth the headache. He randomly hit me up on fb a couple weeks ago and we've been back talking ever since. He calls me almost everyday to talk for about 30 minutes and last night was no different. He wasn't very talkative and I was struggling to keep the convo going bc I like talking to him (most of the time). So he sends me a text today apologizing bc he was frustrated last night and 'it isn't fair to me that he is talking to me when he likes someone else' so I just replied ok enjoy ur day...building bridges...

I should've been an architecture major bc I'm building sooo many bridges lately. Last week I was over Prince and now he's back. Today its Dimples because now he's back, and for no apparent reason. I've just decided he must not be worth the headache. He randomly hit me up on fb a couple weeks ago and we've been back talking ever since. He calls me almost everyday to talk for about 30 minutes and last night was no different. He wasn't very talkative and I was struggling to keep the convo going bc I like talking to him (most of the time). So he sends me a text today apologizing bc he was frustrated last night and 'it isn't fair to me that he is talking to me when he likes someone else' so I just replied ok enjoy ur day...building bridges...

i've built a bridge

...And I am sooo over Prince. It hit me today that I'm in an okay mood when I don't hear from him, and when I do finally hear from him, a bad mood immediately follows. He doesn't make me smile. I don't think he can anymore, like he's just not capable of bringing a smile to my face. I'm over it...I'm just tired of each relationship I think I've found ending up like this. More sighs and alone time...

more life lessons

i haven't talked to prince in 2 days. our last convo wasn't too great and honestly i feel like its probably just over. after reading my last 4 or 5 posts, i'm now just sitting here completely confused bc all of the signals that prince was giving me weren't leading to where we are right now. i have so many questions like why did you give me your number in the first place if you knew i lived in DC and you lived in Atlanta and that would pose a problem? and if you didn't think we would last as long as we have then all you really wanted to do was sleep with me huh? and what was the purpose of suggesting a weekend get-away, just the two of us? why did it matter to you how upset i got about us not spending much time together, or getting to talk to each other? i'm confused because you worked for days to finish as much work as you possibly could so that you could spend time with me uninterrupted, but you tell me that you don't want a relationship. if a relationship is not on your mind, then all you must have wanted was sex. once again i've gotten got...when will i learn??

It's not even about me, it's about him...

As I talked to Prince tonight, he asked how I was feeling now since I'd left ATL a little down and I told him I'd be fine with a little time. I also told him I was confused about what it is that he wants from me. So he redirected the question toward me and asked what it was that I wanted. So I told him consistency and that I want to be working towards a relationship. Well, he made it clear that he does not want a long-distance relationship bc he's been in 3 and none of them have worked out either because he cheated (one relationship) or she cheated while he talked to another girl (the other 2 relationships). Obviously, he has a problem with fidelity which u know sent up red flags. He then went on to say that it would be ridiculous to live in atlanta or dc--meccas for single educated black ppl--and claim that we had a bf/gf in another state. He's obviously not that into me, and he doesn't know me well enough to assume that bc guys approach me in clubs that I'd cheat on him with one of them. I am not a cheater nor a liar, and I wish he could see that and believe it. But maybe I'm the one being spared. maybe he knows that there is a HIGH chance that he'd cheat on me, so he's staying away from committing to me.I don't know, but one thing I do know is that I'm beginning to see his true colors, and I think our combo clashes horribly :-(

scared...

I'm in atlanta right now very sad and disappointed in myself. My prince worked extra hard this week to finish as much work as he could so that he could spend the weekend with me uninterrupted and I ruined it with my attitude. I don't even know where it came from. I was upset with him in Miami bc I came all the way there and didn't get to spend but 2 hours with him and I let him know I was upset by giving him attitude, but there was no reason to have one this weekend. He picked me up from the airport, he got a hotel room for us so we didn't have to drive an hour outside atlanta back to his house, and he spent real time with me. I really messed it up...I admit I was emotional bc of my period but I didn't have to have an attitude with him like I did and now our time is up and I'm laying here pissed off at myself for messing up this weekend. So now I'm trying to figure out why I had an attitude so bad that he had to ask me if I still even liked him anymore. The only thing I could think of was that...I'm scared. I'm a sensitive and very shy person and I use my sarcasm (aka meaness) to mask my insecurities and fear of things. I think I'm scared about where this is going. He said himself that he was glad that we didn't get to talk all the time bc then we'd fall for each other. So that let me know that falling for me wasn't on his agenda, but I've already fallen (and I hate to admit it, but I've fallen hard) and the only way to keep a distance between him and my heart was to be mean and show him attitude. I am so confused about how he feels about me, and its putting me right back into the same place I was with a former relationship, let's call him The Cheat. I just don't want to get hurt again like I did with The Cheat bc I went through a lot of bad times bc of that, so the attitude was my defense mechanism. When I first met my Prince there was no pressure...I didn't know him or like him as much as I do now, so I could be myself. I was sweet, and we had fun. I want to get back to that, but I think I've messed it up.

eye-openers

The guy that i'm talking to now (prince) has been making more of an effort this week to be more available. he asked me when i was free during the day, so for the past 3 days, he's called me during my break to talk to me while he does his work in his office. i really appreciate his efforts, but today we had a convo that hurt my feelings (you know i'm sensitive). we were talking about how busy he is with work, and how he appreciates that i am understanding until i get fed up and upset and act meanly toward him for not giving me as much time as i feel i deserve. i told him that i can't get to know him as well as i want to if i only talk to him in daily 10-minute spurts. so then he said that he thinks that not being able to talk all the time is a good thing (first blow to my ego) because if we got to talk to eachother all day everyday we'd fall for eachother. So the fact that he doesn't want to fall for me is the second blow to my ego. i know he meant it as we'd be only setting ourselves up for failure if we fell for each other because of the distance, but i would really like to call him mine. so after a few moments of speechless silence, i asked him "so what are we doing then?" and he said "liking each other from afar...but you know you're my boo-boo". i didnt like that either...i'm tired of just talking to guys, it really does get old...after about 5 years of being single and mingling...i want someone consistent and good to me. today was just an eye-opening day because he asked me later (i know! 2 real phone calls in one day) why i would possibly set myself up to be hurt in the future, since i know he likes to work but i don't like him being so busy all the time. i'm not trying to set myself up, but talking to him is something to do right now...basically, i'm swimming in the deep end with the possibility of drowning, but i know how to float...
ps--i guess its that time of the year for Dimples to pop back up...just when i stop thinking about him every single day, he sends me a fb message just saying hi. i am still in serious like with him...and i know i'm going to see him at homecoming. i've just got to make sure i look fabulous...prince or dimples? i feel like both relationships are possible, yet so unattainable...well,til next time, ciao!

disappointment is not a good look on me

Once again, I'm disappointed at the prospect of a new relationship. I'm not happy about the idea of always coming second to my man's work. I thought I had finally found a great guy who was tall, intelligent, cute, funny, and ambitious...maybe a little too ambitious. Should I expect to have to take a back seat to my man's career in exchange for having a man with ambition? I mean, my father is ambitious, but he always has time for me--it's how I know I'm special. Despite his work, I am certain that if he had to choose, he'd choose me. With this new guy, I'm not so sure, and it sours my feelings toward a prospective relationship with him. He suggested several times that I call out of work just so I could visit him in Delaware on his business trip, but I can't even get him to text me back during the day if he's "busy". I'm just annoyed right now because I have so much to offer and I feel like every guy I meet realizes it only after I've decided to move on. I'm not ready to move on, but I NEED to talk to him consistently to build a strong connection. Talking to him 10 minutes a day or texting him 3 times a day is hardly enough to build the connection that I want and need. Sigh...what should I do? I'm not ready to give up, but I don't know if its going to get any better. *Sigh*

spring cleaning...in the fall

I'm cleaning up my life, and it feels wonderful. I went to visit my kappa prince all the way in delaware and despite my early opposition, I'm glad I went. I was pissed at how long it took me, I was tired from setting up my classroom and sitting in meetings all day, but I had fun for the few hours we spent together. It was worth it. But now...I'm sitting here, haven't talked to him in days, aside from the few and far between bbm's that have been in response to my own first. Sigh...is a good relationship too hard to come by?
So it's saturday and I'm cleaning. Getting rid of trash and clutter so that I can begin my new life as an adult, on my own, without any baggage. My apartment is coming together, actually I'm in love with it! I just don't want to be the only one to enjoy it. I want to have people over and enjoy themselves...but something is holding me back from inviting people...I'll figure out what it is at some point in my quest for self-discovery.
I'm rambling lol, back to my cleaning...ciao

drama for nothing

so all of my drama from saturday with my kappa prince was apparently in my head and all for nothing. i am really getting tired of being alone. i would love to have a boyfriend, but does having a boyfriend mean that i have to do things i don't wanna do?? like drive to delaware at 7pm only to leave at 6am the next morning just so we can spend time together? i've never done the long distance thing...my last real boyfriend was 5 years ago. wow, i hadn't realized it was that long ago.
this new guy, the kappa prince looked promising. but all that glitters is not gold, and he is getting duller and duller by the day. he got really upset that i wouldn't drive to delaware to spend time with him sunday night, even though i told him that i had work at 8am the next morning. he wanted me to leave at 6 and drive straight to work from DELAWARE!! i've asked sooo many people, and everybody agreed with me that his request was asking a lot and doing the most. especially since we've only known eachother for a week. i think he got really invested really quickly and now that he sees that i'm not where he is just yet, he's starting to pull back. i used to hear from him all day every day, and now we talk for about 20 minutes once a day. i want to get to know him first before i dive into a relationship with him. i don't know him, and i have to protect myself...not to mention my heart.
i really hate how inaccessible he's been lately. we'll talk about it the next time i actually get to talk to him. it's weird, but i can tell by the way that i'm dealing with him that i've grown up a lot. i can express myself a whole lot better than i've been able to in the past. like the fact that he had an attitude with me sunday night when i called him to talk...i let him know that i didn't appreciate it, and i thought he was over-reacting. normally, i would've kept all of that inside and apologized. i just don't see the point, especially since i didn't do anything to apologize for. sigh...i'll let you know what happens next....ciao bellas!

the best i ever had...

i just had the best weekend i've had in a long time but i'm trying not to get too excited about it. i'll explain...so my girl J.G. called me and asked if i wanted to go out with her to this club on NY Ave bc the Kappa Konklave was going on this weekend and she wanted to meet some kappas lol. so i was like cool, let's go. we met up there and had a great time, and as usual while dancing we were getting hot or bored with the music so we left one level and went to the next. two dudes i was dancing with told me to find them before i left the club and i think i gave one of them my number--not sure because i was a little buzzed lol. so around 2am J.G. and i were ready to go so we were headed out and this dude stops us and convinces us to come back upstairs to stay a little while longer. apparently, he was one of the guys i was dancing with earlier who told me to find him before i was ready to leave...honestly i didn't remember him.

anyway, we exchanged numbers and i see that he's actually very attractive and tall and smart. so he in a way dares me to call him the next day, and after texting each other later that same night, i do call him and we meet up on saturday. it was the best saturday of any weekend that i have had in a very long time--aside from traveling with my girls to the Chi or having them come to DC--i didn't want the day to end. we went to the white house first because he wanted to do touristy things, and while i'm ashamed to admit it, this was my first visit to the white house too. so i was extra excited, although i didnt show it, then we just started walking and we found an art museum that he wanted to go see. so we walked around, looked at art, and got to know each other. i think it was the most relaxing and enjoyable thing i've done in a loooong time. we laughed, we talked, it was light and easy for once. i know i wasn't bored, and he later told me that he wasn't either.

so we kept walking and he took pictures of different statues and buildings outside and we went to my favorite memorial--i still don't know the name of it though lol. but i wish i hadn't agreed to go to a concert with another friend because it really cut our time short. but we got together later that night at busboys and poets and later jin on 14th street. it was another great night, and now that he's gone, i really miss him. now i don't really know him that well because we only spent 2 days together, but i'm excited because even if it doesn't work out my faith that there is somebody out there who can keep my attention, make me excited to see them and excited to be with them is renewed.

he really was a breath of fresh air. i felt beautiful, i felt attractive, i felt sexy. all of the attributes that i knew were a part of me, but i just couldn't pull them out. i finally went out and didnt feel awkward in the club for being the tallest or the thinnest woman in the room. it was great and he kept telling me how good i looked and how glad he was that he had met me. so now, that's why i can't get too excited because i don't know him that well yet. so far, so good for now, we'll see what happens...yikes!

Insecurities...

As i was gettin my hair done tonight i was starting to think about why exactly i wanted to get weave sewn in. hair is a symbol of beauty and power and it is very important to women. last weekend i was very insecure the whole time because i didn't feel pretty. i had just gotten a relaxer and my hair is very fine. since i didn't have enough days between my relaxer and leaving for jersey, i couldn't wash my hair to add a little body to it, so it was extra flat and extra short because i'm tryin to grow it out after breaking it off last year. anyway i promised myself i would weave it up as soon as possible to look better, thus feel better. but now that i have the weave in, i have to admit that it does look better than it did, but i don't feel any differently on the inside.

Lately, all i've been seeing and hearing is relationship this and relationship that from friends, family, and the media. i never thought i was insecure about not being in a relationship, but it is constantly on my mind. i was talking to an old friend the other night, and he reminded me of how much he liked me and wanted me to be his gf, but i didnt feel the same about him. needless to say, that never materialized. so it's not like i don't have offers, i'm just not that into them....yet, i'm still sitting here alone. i don't want to settle just to be with somebody.

i thought that if i got a weave and worked on my wardrobe and clearing up my skin (imagine a 24 yr old still battling a 14 year old's acne) that i might have guys lining up at my door and then they would get to know the real me and see that i'm cool and down to earth. the only thing is, i don't feel like i'm being myself with the extra hair and having to put on make-up everyday. i love who i am, but the me that i see is wonderful, smart, funny, caring, single and alone.

p.s.

since when is it cool to point out people's insecurities?! NEWSFLASH: everybody's insecure about something, so pointing out the fact that someone is insecure shows a lack of tact and empathy. i'm just saying...

What Makes Me Happy?

So my newest question asked of me in conversation that I could not answer yet again was "What makes me happy?" It's not that there isn't anything that makes me happy, nor is it hard to make me happy. I just haven't taken the time out to figure out what it is that makes me happy. So here it is, after some reflection. These are the things that make me happy:
1. Hugs and smiles--yeah I know, corny right? But seriously, I love hugs and being held, and whenever I can make someone smile, I'm happy.
2. My Quiet Time makes me happy. Times like right now, when I have my apartment all to myself. I can sit in silence and think, lay in silence and read, or lounge in silence and type. My Quiet Time ensures my sanity.
3. Going to church makes me so incredibly happy. I may not feel like getting out of bed on Sunday mornings, but I always make myself because I know that I'd be completely lost without the direction I get weekly at church. As soon as Praise and Worship starts, I knew forcing myself to get up was all worth it. My Jesus ensures my sanity!
4. Reunion Conversations with my girls. They're the best when everyone is present, but I still enjoy them whether it just me and my girlfriend, or all of my girlfriends. They ensure my sanity too, well the true ones do.
5. Eating makes me happy. I enjoy food, good food. Food that touches your soul and you don't want to swallow because the flavor is so good in your mouth kind of food. Yeah, I'm a fat girl at heart.
6. Teaching my babies will forever keep a smile on my face. I thank God sooo much for clearing my path right to my destined career. There is nothing else on this Earth that I would rather be doing wiith my life.
7. Remember my Quiet Time (see #2)? Well, oversized sweat shirts and fuzzy socks with hot chocolate and the remote, a book, or my blog makes me happy. I guess I'm not too complicated when it comes to being happy. I just like what I like.
8. Laughter. There is nothing like a good long sore cheeks, convulsing stomach, asthma inducing laugh. Now that I mention it, I haven't had one of those in a while.
9. Now of course, I'm a girl--a girly girl if you will. Nothing makes me happier when I'm stressed than to go to the mall and spend some of my hard-earned $$. I love shopping down to my very being. There is nothing like being upset about something and finding that one cute pair of shoes that you just had to have, but they cost too much, but you get them anyway and you find out at the register that they were on sale and weren't even marked! ahhh...it's the best!
10. My sleep makes me happy. If I don't get it...well I'm sure you can figure out what kind of mood I'd be in. So I guess this is my top ten.

"That Age"

i went home this past weekend, and it was so relaxing and happy. i never say this about my trips home, but a lot has changed in the last year. now that i am able to travel from my apartment (d.c.) to my home (n.c.) at my own discretion, my relationship with my parents has gotten a lot better. they were so happy to see my sister and me last friday, and it set the tone for the rest of the visit. as we sat outside in the backyard eating lunch on the patio furniture, my mother asked me if i needed her help in finding a man because she's getting older and she needs grandkids. while i'm sure she was kidding, there is a lot of truth in gest, and it made me slightly uncomfortable. a relationship is one of the top items on the long list that is my mind. i think about it constantly, and her poking and prodding at me doesn't help. is it weird that i think i know who my husband should be, and not in some stalker-type way either? we're not together, nor have we ever been, but he's the only person that i know that i have pictured married-life with. i'm trying to be patient, to just sit back and let the man that God has hand-picked for me to find me, but a very small hidden spot in my heart aches every time i see a couple kiss, or hug, or walk holding hands. i want that...and i know it will happen, but when??
i guess the fact that my mother is getting bolder with her "find you a man" comments, which used to be limited to phone calls or girl talk, only further proves that i'm reaching "that age" where settling down and starting a family is supposed to happen. hopefully i won't look back on this post 5 years from now with the same question of when??

crowded mind

it's been a while...
i'm laying in bed now with a lot of things on my mind. first, is michael jackson. his memorial tribute was today as well as his funeral. it's a lot to take in and his death keeps hitting me differently at the most random moments. i didn't cry when i found out he had died. i actually wasn't even upset, i was more shocked than anything. but after the circus of a tribute the BET awards gave him and seeing Janet come out and say "to you, he was an icon, but to us he was family", i finally cried. i wasn't ready to see that. i know it has to hurt them to not only lose a loved one, but hear and see it every single day by people who never so much as spoke to him. we keep celebrating him as "the greatest entertainer of all time" but what about the man. that's who Janet knows, that's who his 3 children will miss, that's who the world will forever lie in mystery of. he was truly a gift to this Earth, but i'm a little sad because i'm not certain (nor can any of us ever really be) about where his soul is ending up. it's easier to let go of somebody when u know that they are resting peacefully in Heaven with the Lord, but its the worst when you're not sure. and i can't say i'm sure about him, which is why his death is unsettling to me. it was said at his tribute today that "Now the King of Pop must bow his knee to the King of Kings". I love this quotation because we all will have to do this eventually. His time just came so soon. He will truly be missed and i hope forever celebrated.
something else plaguing my mind is my friend Sinclaire. She's engaged to be married and has the craziest idea that i'm not happy for her and that i don't want to be in the wedding. i honestly have no idea where she got this from and she's been talking to our mutual friend about it for weeks now, but she hasn't said anything to me. she reluctantly brings up anything having to do with her wedding around me because she feels like i'm insecure about the fact that i'm not getting married (which is MOST DEFINITELY not the case). I wouldn't get married right now if somebody paid me, i'm just not ready. i just really wish she'd talk to me instead of our friend so that i can squash this now.
3rd- because of all this death occuring all around me, i am sincerely scared that something bad is going to happen to me or someone close to me. i won't say it out of my mouth because i truly believe that death and life are in the power of the tongue. so i am staying positive and speaking life, however it really is on my mind a lot now. especially with michael jackson's sudden death and the death of my co-worker who was riding the redline metro train to bible study and it collided with another train, killing him and 8 others. i mean if you can't take public transportation without the fear of dying, what can you do? i don't wanna entertain this subject anymore, it makes me afraid.
finally, of course the SAME person who has been on my mind for the last 6 years is still on my mind every single day. this is really crazy, like really. it doesn't make sense to me and i need to move on. i want to move on. the way i see it: if i am not important enough for him to call and see about, then he's not important enough to consume my thoughts. i've really got to get past these feelings and him in general. i guess it just takes time, but i am staying committed to my goal--i'm 8 months strong, and there's no turning back. so yeah, that's where my mind is right about now...i'll return with further updates :-)

complacency sucks

I haven't written in a minute. But here I am, and I'm literally dying...for change. But I want the change to have a hint of familiarity. sounds contradicting right? i know, but that's how my life feels right now. i have to groups of friends that i spend a majority of my time with and right now i'm seriously starting to dislike members of each crew. but they're all so tight within the groups that those whom i'd choose not to hang out with will probably ALWAYS be around. in my teacher friend clique...one member in particular hurt my feelings and has yet to sincerely apologize. now i know i should probably be less sensitive, i kinda can't help it. it's who i am. i've tried to just let it go, continue to be araound while still keeping my slight distance, but now even her laugh is annoying me. she's an intrical part of the group so i know anytime we hang out she'll be in the midst. i'm trying for the life of me to figure out what my problem with her really is, because the argument was really stupid and should've been solved almost immediately. she just took it further with a "sorry" apology.
my other group of friends make me feel like a tag-along. they're not all really my friends but more like girls that i know either through other people or from college. more of my "right now" friends. we have fun most of the time when we go out. they usually have more fun than i do because they're very **howard term** "extra". so sometimes i sit there feeling like an outsider because the things that amuse them are not funny at all to me. this is where my desire for change comes in...
for a short while my life was looking up. i was enjoying teaching, which made me not dread walking into that school building, "Whatever Education Center" is what we decided to call it. i was gaining new friends and spending more time out rather than alone in my home. but now it seems that time has ended, well it has dwindled, since one of my co-workers is sincerely annoying.
i get so wrapped up in complaining, i'm working on it. i shouldn't complain because despite feeling like a tag-along and my ONE co-worker, i enjoy going out with these ladies, and i should feel good that they choose to spend their time with me and include me in outings. lol...that sounds so...what's the word? corny maybe?
well that's all i have to say for now...ciao!

finding the right one

as we were riding in the car on the way to a movie in Georgetown, one of my girls started to tell us about an amazing sermon that she heard on Sunday by a guest preacher. the preacher talked about how it used to be law that all hunters were required to leave their dogs at home while hunting deer because too many deer were being killed. so naturally, when a deer is shot and wounded it doesn't just lay down and die. it fights to stay alive and tries to escape the hunter. as the deer runs through the forest in an attempt to escape death, the hunter tracks the deer by finding a little blood here and a little blood there. it could take a hunter a whole day to finally track down the wounded deer. dogs, on the other hand can find a wounded deer in a matter of minutes because they were blessed with such a keen sense of smell. this story was a metaphor for the life of a woman. many times we walk around like a wounded deer, fighting for our lives and refusing to die. his message hit me when he said what it takes a man all day to find, a dog can find in a matter of minutes. unless you've never been in a relationship, odds are that you've been hurt before. walking around wounded makes you a target for dogs. wait for the man to find you. it may take all day, but it will be worth the wait...as i always say patience is a virtue.

how do you relax??

i am so overwhelmed...the BIG test is coming up and i'm scared out of my mind. i feel so lost as to what i should be teaching and how to help my students who are struggling. i wish the year was over and my kids just did well so i wouldn't have to worry anymore. i'm so stressed that i'm taking it out on the kids...i find myself disinterested in planning--even more than usual--and i'm overly sarcastic with the children. i even embarrassed one of my students today, which i totally didn't mean to do but it came out and i felt so bad afterwards. i'm just frustrated and there's nothing i can do to fix it except try to relax. Relaxing...
now that's something i do NOT know how to do. all i've known my entire life is work work work, which is why i teach aftercare 2 days a week and saturday school in addition to my regular 8-3:30. i never sit down and just relax...i worked just as much in college, maybe more. its the only way i can remain productive. i get lazy and unmotivated the second i start to chill. i feel like i'll be this way my whole life, despite the fact that i want to vacation and travel. i know that i will be all about my husband when i get married, and my children will become my life. i try to take time for myself but i don't really know how to do that either.
i've tried to get to know myself. how do you do that? i learned a lot about me during college because i was thrown into such a different world (:-) but now that i am officially an adult, i have become boring again and i don't discover things about myself as often as i used to. sigh...what to do? what to do? i need someone to help me relax...

Things Most People Don't Know About Me

So i got these from a few people and they were interesting so i decided to do one of my own...
1. My younger sister is my best friend. I actually look up to her and want to be like her in many ways ( I don’t know if she knows that or not)
2. I am VERY clumsy!!! I trip, walk into walls, or lose my balance randomly while walking about 3-5 times a day. I also can't walk in a straight line to save my life...
3. I’m extra prissy—I can’t stand for my hands and/or clothes to get dirty. When I was a baby I refused to eat peanut butter because it would get stuck to my hands causing me to scream until someone cleaned me.
4. When I was younger I hated all condiments ( I still kinda do). I would always order plain hamburgers in my McDonald’s Happy Meals, just meat and the bread. I still to this day won’t eat a hotdog unless it’s absolutely plain.
5. Speaking of food, I can’t stand for my food to touch. My parents bought me special plates to eat on at dinner so that I wouldn’t waste food that ended up touching other foods my mom cooked.
6. My parents were EXTREMELY over-protective of me and my sister growing up. We were never allowed to play in the front yard, cross the street, or walk up and down the driveway (even when I was in high school). To this day it feels very strange to walk from my front door towards the street.
7. I still remember my first whipping by my mother. She told me I couldn’t have something that I wanted, so I came at her with my hands up like bear claws growling. She stripped me down to nothing, got a switch from the backyard, beat me and then made me take a bath and go to bed. Anybody who’s ever gotten whipped with a switch knows a soapy bath afterwards is EXTRA torture.
8. My dad’s remedy for everything is to “put a hot rag on it”. When I had a headache, stomach ache, toothache, whatever was hurting, my father would make me get a bath cloth and wet it with steaming hot water and lay it on my ailment. He also firmly believes that a hot rag would cure acne.
9. When I was a senior in high school, my father hit me with a car. He was dropping me off at school one day, and as I was walking around the front of the car, he was looking behind him for oncoming traffic. Once it was clear, he took off as I was still standing in front of the car. My right knee began to swell up to the size of a grapefruit and it still bothers me to this day.
10. When I was about 8 or 9, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in my hands, but my mother called the devil a liar and the next Sunday at Church she took me up to be prayed for and I was healed.
11. I used to be able to sing. In 7th grade, I starred as Dorothy in The Wiz, but by 8th grade the talent faded.
12. I have random muscle spasms all over my body. They don’t hurt, but my muscles just jump and twitch. I tell myself that that part of my body is growing
13. I always wanted to go on Soul Train and dance. I’d watch every Saturday , and I just knew I’d be one of the featured dancers they always had the cameras on.
14. You know how some women like men in uniform? I LOVE Black men in suits, it really is a big turn on for me…uniforms do nothing.
15. I’ve always wanted to invent a machine that would read out loud the thoughts that cross my mind, so I wouldn’t have to talk to people.
16. I make faces at everyone and everything that is annoying or just stupid. I can’t help it and don’t realize I do it.
17. I hate cats, twizzlers, oranges, grape soda and peppermints (the hard kind that old women keep in their purses)
18. I used to hate my height until I started modeling around the age of 16. Now I still don’t like it, I just try to embrace it.
19. When I used to act in elementary and middle school, I’d think about my maternal grandmother dying in order to cry on cue.
20. I used to have the biggest crush on Alfie from “My Brother and Me”…lol
21. I used to have a map of the mall taped to the inside of my locker like Lisa Turtle on Saved By the Bell
22. I am scared of being abducted or kidnapped because of all the Lifetime movies my mother, sister, and I watched back-to-back-to-back.
23. I have a fear of falling so I can never ride roller coasters.
24. I’ve kept a diary since I was able to write and I read them every now and then to reminisce on my dramatic episodes of nothingness.
25. My first kiss was with my first boyfriend (age 7) at a Kriss Kross Concert underneath his coat in the backseat of his dad’s car.
26. I only remember getting dirty one day in my life, when I was playing in the mud with this little white girl who lived down the street from me.
27. In high school, one of my good friends used to call me Cinderella because I was always in the house cleaning…everyday.
28. Some people had chore lists, my mother created a chore book, which she copied for my sister and had bound. It detailed how each chore should be done, how frequently it should be done, and approximately how long it should take us to complete it.
29. Growing up, I was always compared to Brandy, especially when Moesha was really big…now I don’t see it as a compliment, in fact it insults me a little.
30. I can’t wait to get married and have kids. I’ve been planning for this since kindergarten.
31. I lived my whole life in anticipation for college because of my favorite show “A Different World”. Needless to say, Howard is not Hilman but I did befriend some pretty amazing people that I absolutely love!!

Dealing with Deal Breakers

so life's been interesting to say the least...i'm hardly ever alone except for when i absolutely choose to be, which is the complete opposite of how things were just two months ago. In my old blog i talked a lot about my separation from people and how sad i was that several of my friends were so far away in different states, but i've made new friends and gotten closer to associates i've had since freshman year of college. honestly, i can't imagine my life right now without them.
i've also been dating this guy who is 10 years older than i am, which i had a problem with at first, but it's not such a big deal really. every time we hang out, i feel guilty though:-(. that's mainly because i'm not very attracted to him. he's a cool person, but there are deal breakers that i have that are interfering with the relationship. i think ALL women have "a list" of things they want in a boyfriend/husband. i know i definitely do lol. i first wrote one when i was like 10 or 11. some things have changed, but what's funny is most of them haven't.
First and foremost, the guy i'm with has to love my God...not just any god, but MY God--Jesus. the guy i'm dating now said that he wouldn't necessarily call himself a Christian, which means he is NOT one because there should be no doubt about who you serve. that right there is a deal breaker. Now the next parts of the list are broken up into two categories: personality and appearance. Personality: He must be funny; if he can't make me laugh he's boring and must get the boot. He should be sensitive (not wussy sensitive, but caring and understanding, not hard, stern, and cold all the time). He should be ambitious and self-motivated--i'm not his mother, so i shouldn't have to check to make sure he's doing his self-improvement homework every night. he must also be intelligent. he doesn't have to be like ginsu knife sharp(is that how you spell it?), but definitely not the dullest knife in the drawer.
As for Appearance: I want someone taller than I am (so 5'10 and under need not apply:-) I also like athletic to slender build (i'm not into the teddy bears, but i've never tried so i could be wrong). I prefer chocolate men, but two of my exes prove otherwise. I am so attracted to smiles and dimples. they make me melt lol...
so anyway, i've thought a lot about this. i wonder what would be on my friends' lists. maybe i'll ask soon.

if he only knew...would it really make a difference?

this is my life...

i'm sitting here wide awake, unable to sleep because my mind is so preoccupied. no matter what i'm doing or where i am, my mind can't help but wonder about a special someone whom i haven't spoken to in almost 2 months. life can be so weird. sometimes, i feel like it's moving along and i'm standing still watching it go by. i've kept a journal/diary since i was old enough to write and every now and then i go back and read the pages of my life. in one particular journal i started when i was a freshman in college, i wrote about this same special someone and how he made me feel when we'd talk or spend time together. now here i am six years later still thinking about the same person. so why the two month hiatus? it's because i can't call him...not that my phone is broken, nor that i've lost his number, but i became too emotionally invested in what turned out to be nothing at all. i have to spare my heart, and it's so hard to do too. i want to pick up the phone and dial his number just so i can hear his voice, but i stop myself every time because, while his actions were contradicting, he said he just wanted to be friends. clearly, that's not what i want, nor did i expect to hear that. i've dated a lot in the past two months, but he's who i'd rather spend my time with. because he has my mind preoccupied, it is really hard to get close to anyone else right now. this may sound elementary or junior high-ish but it's real. i have never felt the way i do about him for anybody else...but i can't call him to tell him so...

mi primer

so about me...
i'm not new to blogging, just new to this site. i haven't written anything in a while so i thought i might try this out...i'm a lover of fashion, friends and fun. i'm the oldest of two, so i think that may manifest itself in my control issues lol...i'm also an elementary school teacher and i LOVE my babies! They're actually fifth graders and they hate when i call them babies, but they're still mine nonetheless. i used to model for about four years and have always been interested in clothes, shoes, purses, belts (especially belts, i own about 30 or so). My favorite site currently is Metrostyle.com. Check it out! i read about it in my new fave magazine Latina! a magazine especially geared toward women of color. while i'm not latina, i'm a firm believer that we both share african ancestry. i will definitely write some more, but now i need to be in bed. 6am is my daily reintroduction time to the world...and i need my beauty sleep. ciao bellas!