I'm cleaning up my life, and it feels wonderful. I went to visit my kappa prince all the way in delaware and despite my early opposition, I'm glad I went. I was pissed at how long it took me, I was tired from setting up my classroom and sitting in meetings all day, but I had fun for the few hours we spent together. It was worth it. But now...I'm sitting here, haven't talked to him in days, aside from the few and far between bbm's that have been in response to my own first. Sigh...is a good relationship too hard to come by?
So it's saturday and I'm cleaning. Getting rid of trash and clutter so that I can begin my new life as an adult, on my own, without any baggage. My apartment is coming together, actually I'm in love with it! I just don't want to be the only one to enjoy it. I want to have people over and enjoy themselves...but something is holding me back from inviting people...I'll figure out what it is at some point in my quest for self-discovery.
I'm rambling lol, back to my cleaning...ciao
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
drama for nothing
so all of my drama from saturday with my kappa prince was apparently in my head and all for nothing. i am really getting tired of being alone. i would love to have a boyfriend, but does having a boyfriend mean that i have to do things i don't wanna do?? like drive to delaware at 7pm only to leave at 6am the next morning just so we can spend time together? i've never done the long distance thing...my last real boyfriend was 5 years ago. wow, i hadn't realized it was that long ago.
this new guy, the kappa prince looked promising. but all that glitters is not gold, and he is getting duller and duller by the day. he got really upset that i wouldn't drive to delaware to spend time with him sunday night, even though i told him that i had work at 8am the next morning. he wanted me to leave at 6 and drive straight to work from DELAWARE!! i've asked sooo many people, and everybody agreed with me that his request was asking a lot and doing the most. especially since we've only known eachother for a week. i think he got really invested really quickly and now that he sees that i'm not where he is just yet, he's starting to pull back. i used to hear from him all day every day, and now we talk for about 20 minutes once a day. i want to get to know him first before i dive into a relationship with him. i don't know him, and i have to protect myself...not to mention my heart.
i really hate how inaccessible he's been lately. we'll talk about it the next time i actually get to talk to him. it's weird, but i can tell by the way that i'm dealing with him that i've grown up a lot. i can express myself a whole lot better than i've been able to in the past. like the fact that he had an attitude with me sunday night when i called him to talk...i let him know that i didn't appreciate it, and i thought he was over-reacting. normally, i would've kept all of that inside and apologized. i just don't see the point, especially since i didn't do anything to apologize for. sigh...i'll let you know what happens next....ciao bellas!
this new guy, the kappa prince looked promising. but all that glitters is not gold, and he is getting duller and duller by the day. he got really upset that i wouldn't drive to delaware to spend time with him sunday night, even though i told him that i had work at 8am the next morning. he wanted me to leave at 6 and drive straight to work from DELAWARE!! i've asked sooo many people, and everybody agreed with me that his request was asking a lot and doing the most. especially since we've only known eachother for a week. i think he got really invested really quickly and now that he sees that i'm not where he is just yet, he's starting to pull back. i used to hear from him all day every day, and now we talk for about 20 minutes once a day. i want to get to know him first before i dive into a relationship with him. i don't know him, and i have to protect myself...not to mention my heart.
i really hate how inaccessible he's been lately. we'll talk about it the next time i actually get to talk to him. it's weird, but i can tell by the way that i'm dealing with him that i've grown up a lot. i can express myself a whole lot better than i've been able to in the past. like the fact that he had an attitude with me sunday night when i called him to talk...i let him know that i didn't appreciate it, and i thought he was over-reacting. normally, i would've kept all of that inside and apologized. i just don't see the point, especially since i didn't do anything to apologize for. sigh...i'll let you know what happens next....ciao bellas!
Monday, August 10, 2009
the best i ever had...
i just had the best weekend i've had in a long time but i'm trying not to get too excited about it. i'll explain...so my girl J.G. called me and asked if i wanted to go out with her to this club on NY Ave bc the Kappa Konklave was going on this weekend and she wanted to meet some kappas lol. so i was like cool, let's go. we met up there and had a great time, and as usual while dancing we were getting hot or bored with the music so we left one level and went to the next. two dudes i was dancing with told me to find them before i left the club and i think i gave one of them my number--not sure because i was a little buzzed lol. so around 2am J.G. and i were ready to go so we were headed out and this dude stops us and convinces us to come back upstairs to stay a little while longer. apparently, he was one of the guys i was dancing with earlier who told me to find him before i was ready to leave...honestly i didn't remember him.
anyway, we exchanged numbers and i see that he's actually very attractive and tall and smart. so he in a way dares me to call him the next day, and after texting each other later that same night, i do call him and we meet up on saturday. it was the best saturday of any weekend that i have had in a very long time--aside from traveling with my girls to the Chi or having them come to DC--i didn't want the day to end. we went to the white house first because he wanted to do touristy things, and while i'm ashamed to admit it, this was my first visit to the white house too. so i was extra excited, although i didnt show it, then we just started walking and we found an art museum that he wanted to go see. so we walked around, looked at art, and got to know each other. i think it was the most relaxing and enjoyable thing i've done in a loooong time. we laughed, we talked, it was light and easy for once. i know i wasn't bored, and he later told me that he wasn't either.
so we kept walking and he took pictures of different statues and buildings outside and we went to my favorite memorial--i still don't know the name of it though lol. but i wish i hadn't agreed to go to a concert with another friend because it really cut our time short. but we got together later that night at busboys and poets and later jin on 14th street. it was another great night, and now that he's gone, i really miss him. now i don't really know him that well because we only spent 2 days together, but i'm excited because even if it doesn't work out my faith that there is somebody out there who can keep my attention, make me excited to see them and excited to be with them is renewed.
he really was a breath of fresh air. i felt beautiful, i felt attractive, i felt sexy. all of the attributes that i knew were a part of me, but i just couldn't pull them out. i finally went out and didnt feel awkward in the club for being the tallest or the thinnest woman in the room. it was great and he kept telling me how good i looked and how glad he was that he had met me. so now, that's why i can't get too excited because i don't know him that well yet. so far, so good for now, we'll see what happens...yikes!
anyway, we exchanged numbers and i see that he's actually very attractive and tall and smart. so he in a way dares me to call him the next day, and after texting each other later that same night, i do call him and we meet up on saturday. it was the best saturday of any weekend that i have had in a very long time--aside from traveling with my girls to the Chi or having them come to DC--i didn't want the day to end. we went to the white house first because he wanted to do touristy things, and while i'm ashamed to admit it, this was my first visit to the white house too. so i was extra excited, although i didnt show it, then we just started walking and we found an art museum that he wanted to go see. so we walked around, looked at art, and got to know each other. i think it was the most relaxing and enjoyable thing i've done in a loooong time. we laughed, we talked, it was light and easy for once. i know i wasn't bored, and he later told me that he wasn't either.
so we kept walking and he took pictures of different statues and buildings outside and we went to my favorite memorial--i still don't know the name of it though lol. but i wish i hadn't agreed to go to a concert with another friend because it really cut our time short. but we got together later that night at busboys and poets and later jin on 14th street. it was another great night, and now that he's gone, i really miss him. now i don't really know him that well because we only spent 2 days together, but i'm excited because even if it doesn't work out my faith that there is somebody out there who can keep my attention, make me excited to see them and excited to be with them is renewed.
he really was a breath of fresh air. i felt beautiful, i felt attractive, i felt sexy. all of the attributes that i knew were a part of me, but i just couldn't pull them out. i finally went out and didnt feel awkward in the club for being the tallest or the thinnest woman in the room. it was great and he kept telling me how good i looked and how glad he was that he had met me. so now, that's why i can't get too excited because i don't know him that well yet. so far, so good for now, we'll see what happens...yikes!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Insecurities...
As i was gettin my hair done tonight i was starting to think about why exactly i wanted to get weave sewn in. hair is a symbol of beauty and power and it is very important to women. last weekend i was very insecure the whole time because i didn't feel pretty. i had just gotten a relaxer and my hair is very fine. since i didn't have enough days between my relaxer and leaving for jersey, i couldn't wash my hair to add a little body to it, so it was extra flat and extra short because i'm tryin to grow it out after breaking it off last year. anyway i promised myself i would weave it up as soon as possible to look better, thus feel better. but now that i have the weave in, i have to admit that it does look better than it did, but i don't feel any differently on the inside. Lately, all i've been seeing and hearing is relationship this and relationship that from friends, family, and the media. i never thought i was insecure about not being in a relationship, but it is constantly on my mind. i was talking to an old friend the other night, and he reminded me of how much he liked me and wanted me to be his gf, but i didnt feel the same about him. needless to say, that never materialized. so it's not like i don't have offers, i'm just not that into them....yet, i'm still sitting here alone. i don't want to settle just to be with somebody.
i thought that if i got a weave and worked on my wardrobe and
clearing up my skin (imagine a 24 yr old still battling a 14 year old's acne) that i might have guys lining up at my door and then they would get to know the real me and see that i'm cool and down to earth. the only thing is, i don't feel like i'm being myself with the extra hair and having to put on make-up everyday. i love who i am, but the me that i see is wonderful, smart, funny, caring, single and alone.
i thought that if i got a weave and worked on my wardrobe and
clearing up my skin (imagine a 24 yr old still battling a 14 year old's acne) that i might have guys lining up at my door and then they would get to know the real me and see that i'm cool and down to earth. the only thing is, i don't feel like i'm being myself with the extra hair and having to put on make-up everyday. i love who i am, but the me that i see is wonderful, smart, funny, caring, single and alone.p.s.
since when is it cool to point out people's insecurities?! NEWSFLASH: everybody's insecure about something, so pointing out the fact that someone is insecure shows a lack of tact and empathy. i'm just saying...
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
What Makes Me Happy?
So my newest question asked of me in conversation that I could not answer yet again was "What makes me happy?" It's not that there isn't anything that makes me happy, nor is it hard to make me happy. I just haven't taken the time out to figure out what it is that makes me happy. So here it is, after some reflection. These are the things that make me happy: 
1. Hugs and smiles--yeah I know, corny right? But seriously, I love hugs and being held, and whenever I can make someone smile, I'm happy.
2. My Quiet Time makes me happy. Times like right now, when I have my apartment all to myself. I can sit in silence and think, lay in silence and read, or lounge in silence and type. My Quiet Time ensures my sanity.
3. Going to church makes me so incredibly happy. I may not feel like getting out of bed on Sunday mornings, but I always make myself because I know that I'd be completely lost without the direction I get weekly at church. As soon as Praise and Worship starts, I knew forcing myself to get up was all worth it. My Jesus ensures my sanity!
4. Reunion Conversations with my girls. They're the best when everyone is present, but I still enjoy them whether it just me and my girlfriend, or all of my girlfriends. They ensure my sanity too, well the true ones do.
5. Eating makes me happy. I enjoy food, good food. Food that touches your soul and you don't want to swallow because the flavor is so good in your mouth kind of food. Yeah, I'm a fat girl at heart.
6. Teaching my babies will forever keep a smile on my face. I thank God sooo much for clearing my path right to my destined career. There is nothing else on this Earth that I would rather be doing wiith my life.
7. Remember my Quiet Time (see #2)? Well, oversized sweat shirts and fuzzy socks with hot chocolate and the remote, a book, or my blog makes me happy. I guess I'm not too complicated when it comes to being happy. I just like what I like.
8. Laughter. There is nothing like a good long sore cheeks, convulsing stomach, asthma inducing laugh. Now that I mention it, I haven't had one of those in a while.
9. Now of course, I'm a girl--a girly girl if you will. Nothing makes me happier when I'm stressed than to go to the mall and spend some of my hard-earned $$. I love shopping down to my very being. There is nothing like being upset about something and finding that one cute pair of shoes that you just had to have, but they cost too much, but you get them anyway and you find out at the register that they were on sale and weren't even marked! ahhh...it's the best!
10. My sleep makes me happy. If I don't get it...well I'm sure you can figure out what kind of mood I'd be in. So I guess this is my top ten.
1. Hugs and smiles--yeah I know, corny right? But seriously, I love hugs and being held, and whenever I can make someone smile, I'm happy.
2. My Quiet Time makes me happy. Times like right now, when I have my apartment all to myself. I can sit in silence and think, lay in silence and read, or lounge in silence and type. My Quiet Time ensures my sanity.
3. Going to church makes me so incredibly happy. I may not feel like getting out of bed on Sunday mornings, but I always make myself because I know that I'd be completely lost without the direction I get weekly at church. As soon as Praise and Worship starts, I knew forcing myself to get up was all worth it. My Jesus ensures my sanity!
4. Reunion Conversations with my girls. They're the best when everyone is present, but I still enjoy them whether it just me and my girlfriend, or all of my girlfriends. They ensure my sanity too, well the true ones do.5. Eating makes me happy. I enjoy food, good food. Food that touches your soul and you don't want to swallow because the flavor is so good in your mouth kind of food. Yeah, I'm a fat girl at heart.
6. Teaching my babies will forever keep a smile on my face. I thank God sooo much for clearing my path right to my destined career. There is nothing else on this Earth that I would rather be doing wiith my life.
7. Remember my Quiet Time (see #2)? Well, oversized sweat shirts and fuzzy socks with hot chocolate and the remote, a book, or my blog makes me happy. I guess I'm not too complicated when it comes to being happy. I just like what I like.
8. Laughter. There is nothing like a good long sore cheeks, convulsing stomach, asthma inducing laugh. Now that I mention it, I haven't had one of those in a while.
9. Now of course, I'm a girl--a girly girl if you will. Nothing makes me happier when I'm stressed than to go to the mall and spend some of my hard-earned $$. I love shopping down to my very being. There is nothing like being upset about something and finding that one cute pair of shoes that you just had to have, but they cost too much, but you get them anyway and you find out at the register that they were on sale and weren't even marked! ahhh...it's the best!
10. My sleep makes me happy. If I don't get it...well I'm sure you can figure out what kind of mood I'd be in. So I guess this is my top ten.
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