It's not even about me, it's about him...

As I talked to Prince tonight, he asked how I was feeling now since I'd left ATL a little down and I told him I'd be fine with a little time. I also told him I was confused about what it is that he wants from me. So he redirected the question toward me and asked what it was that I wanted. So I told him consistency and that I want to be working towards a relationship. Well, he made it clear that he does not want a long-distance relationship bc he's been in 3 and none of them have worked out either because he cheated (one relationship) or she cheated while he talked to another girl (the other 2 relationships). Obviously, he has a problem with fidelity which u know sent up red flags. He then went on to say that it would be ridiculous to live in atlanta or dc--meccas for single educated black ppl--and claim that we had a bf/gf in another state. He's obviously not that into me, and he doesn't know me well enough to assume that bc guys approach me in clubs that I'd cheat on him with one of them. I am not a cheater nor a liar, and I wish he could see that and believe it. But maybe I'm the one being spared. maybe he knows that there is a HIGH chance that he'd cheat on me, so he's staying away from committing to me.I don't know, but one thing I do know is that I'm beginning to see his true colors, and I think our combo clashes horribly :-(

scared...

I'm in atlanta right now very sad and disappointed in myself. My prince worked extra hard this week to finish as much work as he could so that he could spend the weekend with me uninterrupted and I ruined it with my attitude. I don't even know where it came from. I was upset with him in Miami bc I came all the way there and didn't get to spend but 2 hours with him and I let him know I was upset by giving him attitude, but there was no reason to have one this weekend. He picked me up from the airport, he got a hotel room for us so we didn't have to drive an hour outside atlanta back to his house, and he spent real time with me. I really messed it up...I admit I was emotional bc of my period but I didn't have to have an attitude with him like I did and now our time is up and I'm laying here pissed off at myself for messing up this weekend. So now I'm trying to figure out why I had an attitude so bad that he had to ask me if I still even liked him anymore. The only thing I could think of was that...I'm scared. I'm a sensitive and very shy person and I use my sarcasm (aka meaness) to mask my insecurities and fear of things. I think I'm scared about where this is going. He said himself that he was glad that we didn't get to talk all the time bc then we'd fall for each other. So that let me know that falling for me wasn't on his agenda, but I've already fallen (and I hate to admit it, but I've fallen hard) and the only way to keep a distance between him and my heart was to be mean and show him attitude. I am so confused about how he feels about me, and its putting me right back into the same place I was with a former relationship, let's call him The Cheat. I just don't want to get hurt again like I did with The Cheat bc I went through a lot of bad times bc of that, so the attitude was my defense mechanism. When I first met my Prince there was no pressure...I didn't know him or like him as much as I do now, so I could be myself. I was sweet, and we had fun. I want to get back to that, but I think I've messed it up.

eye-openers

The guy that i'm talking to now (prince) has been making more of an effort this week to be more available. he asked me when i was free during the day, so for the past 3 days, he's called me during my break to talk to me while he does his work in his office. i really appreciate his efforts, but today we had a convo that hurt my feelings (you know i'm sensitive). we were talking about how busy he is with work, and how he appreciates that i am understanding until i get fed up and upset and act meanly toward him for not giving me as much time as i feel i deserve. i told him that i can't get to know him as well as i want to if i only talk to him in daily 10-minute spurts. so then he said that he thinks that not being able to talk all the time is a good thing (first blow to my ego) because if we got to talk to eachother all day everyday we'd fall for eachother. So the fact that he doesn't want to fall for me is the second blow to my ego. i know he meant it as we'd be only setting ourselves up for failure if we fell for each other because of the distance, but i would really like to call him mine. so after a few moments of speechless silence, i asked him "so what are we doing then?" and he said "liking each other from afar...but you know you're my boo-boo". i didnt like that either...i'm tired of just talking to guys, it really does get old...after about 5 years of being single and mingling...i want someone consistent and good to me. today was just an eye-opening day because he asked me later (i know! 2 real phone calls in one day) why i would possibly set myself up to be hurt in the future, since i know he likes to work but i don't like him being so busy all the time. i'm not trying to set myself up, but talking to him is something to do right now...basically, i'm swimming in the deep end with the possibility of drowning, but i know how to float...
ps--i guess its that time of the year for Dimples to pop back up...just when i stop thinking about him every single day, he sends me a fb message just saying hi. i am still in serious like with him...and i know i'm going to see him at homecoming. i've just got to make sure i look fabulous...prince or dimples? i feel like both relationships are possible, yet so unattainable...well,til next time, ciao!

disappointment is not a good look on me

Once again, I'm disappointed at the prospect of a new relationship. I'm not happy about the idea of always coming second to my man's work. I thought I had finally found a great guy who was tall, intelligent, cute, funny, and ambitious...maybe a little too ambitious. Should I expect to have to take a back seat to my man's career in exchange for having a man with ambition? I mean, my father is ambitious, but he always has time for me--it's how I know I'm special. Despite his work, I am certain that if he had to choose, he'd choose me. With this new guy, I'm not so sure, and it sours my feelings toward a prospective relationship with him. He suggested several times that I call out of work just so I could visit him in Delaware on his business trip, but I can't even get him to text me back during the day if he's "busy". I'm just annoyed right now because I have so much to offer and I feel like every guy I meet realizes it only after I've decided to move on. I'm not ready to move on, but I NEED to talk to him consistently to build a strong connection. Talking to him 10 minutes a day or texting him 3 times a day is hardly enough to build the connection that I want and need. Sigh...what should I do? I'm not ready to give up, but I don't know if its going to get any better. *Sigh*