if he only knew...would it really make a difference?

this is my life...

i'm sitting here wide awake, unable to sleep because my mind is so preoccupied. no matter what i'm doing or where i am, my mind can't help but wonder about a special someone whom i haven't spoken to in almost 2 months. life can be so weird. sometimes, i feel like it's moving along and i'm standing still watching it go by. i've kept a journal/diary since i was old enough to write and every now and then i go back and read the pages of my life. in one particular journal i started when i was a freshman in college, i wrote about this same special someone and how he made me feel when we'd talk or spend time together. now here i am six years later still thinking about the same person. so why the two month hiatus? it's because i can't call him...not that my phone is broken, nor that i've lost his number, but i became too emotionally invested in what turned out to be nothing at all. i have to spare my heart, and it's so hard to do too. i want to pick up the phone and dial his number just so i can hear his voice, but i stop myself every time because, while his actions were contradicting, he said he just wanted to be friends. clearly, that's not what i want, nor did i expect to hear that. i've dated a lot in the past two months, but he's who i'd rather spend my time with. because he has my mind preoccupied, it is really hard to get close to anyone else right now. this may sound elementary or junior high-ish but it's real. i have never felt the way i do about him for anybody else...but i can't call him to tell him so...