crowded mind

it's been a while...
i'm laying in bed now with a lot of things on my mind. first, is michael jackson. his memorial tribute was today as well as his funeral. it's a lot to take in and his death keeps hitting me differently at the most random moments. i didn't cry when i found out he had died. i actually wasn't even upset, i was more shocked than anything. but after the circus of a tribute the BET awards gave him and seeing Janet come out and say "to you, he was an icon, but to us he was family", i finally cried. i wasn't ready to see that. i know it has to hurt them to not only lose a loved one, but hear and see it every single day by people who never so much as spoke to him. we keep celebrating him as "the greatest entertainer of all time" but what about the man. that's who Janet knows, that's who his 3 children will miss, that's who the world will forever lie in mystery of. he was truly a gift to this Earth, but i'm a little sad because i'm not certain (nor can any of us ever really be) about where his soul is ending up. it's easier to let go of somebody when u know that they are resting peacefully in Heaven with the Lord, but its the worst when you're not sure. and i can't say i'm sure about him, which is why his death is unsettling to me. it was said at his tribute today that "Now the King of Pop must bow his knee to the King of Kings". I love this quotation because we all will have to do this eventually. His time just came so soon. He will truly be missed and i hope forever celebrated.
something else plaguing my mind is my friend Sinclaire. She's engaged to be married and has the craziest idea that i'm not happy for her and that i don't want to be in the wedding. i honestly have no idea where she got this from and she's been talking to our mutual friend about it for weeks now, but she hasn't said anything to me. she reluctantly brings up anything having to do with her wedding around me because she feels like i'm insecure about the fact that i'm not getting married (which is MOST DEFINITELY not the case). I wouldn't get married right now if somebody paid me, i'm just not ready. i just really wish she'd talk to me instead of our friend so that i can squash this now.
3rd- because of all this death occuring all around me, i am sincerely scared that something bad is going to happen to me or someone close to me. i won't say it out of my mouth because i truly believe that death and life are in the power of the tongue. so i am staying positive and speaking life, however it really is on my mind a lot now. especially with michael jackson's sudden death and the death of my co-worker who was riding the redline metro train to bible study and it collided with another train, killing him and 8 others. i mean if you can't take public transportation without the fear of dying, what can you do? i don't wanna entertain this subject anymore, it makes me afraid.
finally, of course the SAME person who has been on my mind for the last 6 years is still on my mind every single day. this is really crazy, like really. it doesn't make sense to me and i need to move on. i want to move on. the way i see it: if i am not important enough for him to call and see about, then he's not important enough to consume my thoughts. i've really got to get past these feelings and him in general. i guess it just takes time, but i am staying committed to my goal--i'm 8 months strong, and there's no turning back. so yeah, that's where my mind is right about now...i'll return with further updates :-)